When I was performing in the local theater company, the director always drilled a certain statement into our heads: "Listening is looking at the person speaking." For little kids (I was in 6th grade at the time), perhaps this was wise advice and it did work to an extent, but I've realized that this does not necessarily hold true. One time, I was chatting with my neighbor while he was talking. He caught me, and said, "Emily, listening is looking at the person speaking." So, I turned my head in his direction. However, my thoughts didn't immediately settle on what he was talking about. They wandered to my own embarrassment that he caught me and to the things that we were talking about. I saw him and took in what he was saying, but I still didn't really care and was more preoccupied. Also, when I'm trying to concentrate on what is being said in class or something, I will do everything in my power to focus on the teacher: look directly at them, sit up straighter, write down what I hear. But no matter what, my mind continues to wander to other matters. Not even more important things, just things that I find more interesting.
What I've realized is that to listen, I have to actually care about what is being said. And when that happens, "our minds become concentrated, sharp and clear" (Dass 100). When it comes to the suffering of people I care about, of course I will want to listen and respond in order to help them out. However, if I'm listening to something less interesting (Calculus for example), my mind is much more likely to wander. And my mind tends to wander back to issues concerning me or the people I've been listening to lately (that I actually care about). However, I have also found that the mind (or we, as people) can be very selfless.
One time, my friend and I were getting ready to go out one night. We were deliberating and fretting over what to wear, how to do our hair, and what color make-up looked good. I resolved to ask my sister what she thought, because her sense of fashion is much better than mine. When I walked into her room, I found her crying. Immediately, my thoughts about our evening out vanished to be replaced with concern for her. She explained her problems and all I could think about was trying to comfort her and deal with this new problem.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that although we are all selfish people and have our own thoughts and problems bubbling at the surface, compassion, in the end, wins. I was truly upset about my sister's troubles and pulled myself out of my own world and entered hers. I'm not entirely sure I can agree with Dass about how "in our zeal to help, we may increase the distance between the person and our own consciousness" (Dass 99). I find that listening to their troubles (while there are always going to be distractions) intensifies my focus and I am able to be a better listener.
So maybe listening is entering another person's world and leaving yours behind. I guess there really is a "breadth to our perspective" in that it's "aerial, wide-screen, panoramic,and yet able to focus quickly" (Dass 105). For my step-mom, it seems natural for her to listen. She's a psychologist and she has always seemed at ease opening up her mind and listening to my problems.
She seems to have advice to offer and always seems very focused on what I'm telling her. When someone listens to me the way she does, I feel this sense of security and like a huge weight is lifting off my shoulders. Truly listening to someone is so beneficial for them. It's like the person speaking can have more faith in you as a person and in how much they care about you.
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